Coconut Island

 

 

 

‘Wrap her up in a package of lies
Send her off to a coconut island

 

Snap her up in a butterfly net
Pin her down on a photograph album’

 

-Counting Crows, Anna Begins.

 

 

            Growing up, this is something I never thought I would need to write about, certainly not from first-hand experience. My son is nearly 2 years old and I have never understood the battle for equality, like I have, since becoming a mother. Reading Constance Hall’s post last night on Instagram, where she begins with, ‘The first time you have a baby you’ll notice a few injustices’ reaffirmed my feelings and thoughts. She goes on to write, ‘unless you’re the exception and in an extremely progressive relationship, your gonna get angry’. She goes on to explain the injustice, the frustration and the anger; in my case, deep resentment of negotiating the roles of parenting. In her poignant, concise and kick you in the guts way, she explains, that women are the primary carers for children, that bare the mental load, that need to direct their partners to help them, which is as much work as doing it themselves. We ‘book in’ breaks. If a man looks after their child, he is seen as a fucking hero, but when a woman does the majority of this, it is simply seen as her duty. Now this may sound extreme, like an unfair attack on men, well it is not, because this is the reality of gender stereotypes, of thousands of years of patriarchy embedded in the consciousness of our society. Growing up, I did not know the battle I would need to face. When you are a mother for the first time, with a screaming new born baby, exhausted, sleep deprived and your partner, the equal parent, the other person who equally created your baby, who is equally responsible and leaves you at home alone, to go to the pub, or sleeps in or doesn’t do anything without a written invitation, you feel the full force of injustice. The full force of gender stereotypes. The full force of inequality. You don’t hate him for being a man, you hate that the reason he does less and you do more is simply because he plays an outdated role of a man and you are forced to play an outdate role of a woman. You are upset and you are fucking angry.

            Constance Hall is not the only one to be shedding light on the issues surrounding the roles of men and women in raising children. I recently read Dr Oscar Serrallach’s new book, The Postnatal Depletion Cure and this confirms that women and men are suffering from the outdated roles we are trying to play. Many relationships do not survive the first year of being new parents. He dedicates the book to ‘all the mothers who have suffered and struggled in their selfless roles as caregivers, often without the unconditional support and wisdom from their culture, societies, and families that should have been their birthright.’ There was so much in this book that I related to and I highly recommend it. I have been searching for a book like this for so long. It reiterated to me that I am not alone in my struggle as a mother and that I simply deserve better, we all deserve better. Now as a mother who works full time, I have the battle of juggling competing factors in my life. I’m writing this at 4.30 in the morning, while my husband and son sleep, before I have to get ready for work and get my son ready for day care. Before I have to dress him, pack his lunch, pack his bag, make sure he has nappies, wipes, change of clothes, socks on, put him in the car, do the dishes, pack my lunch, make sure I have my computer, keys, wallet, brush my teeth, put on make-up, make sure the heater’s off , the door’s locked, drop him at day care, all before my day of paid work begins.

             When I was in high school I created a print, I called it Coconut Island; it featured black and white, silhouetted symmetric heads of a male and female, side by side, with a butterfly in the centre; a symbol of freedom and equality. It was about the fallacy of gender equality and that it only exists in this magical place, called coconut island. This artwork has recently plagued my thoughts, as I never really knew how I would need to fight and struggle for my equality in a time, when I thought, we had won many of these battles. I grew up being a lover of feminism and of Germaine Greer, being introduced to these ideas at home and then reinforced at school. I grew up on a farm, where women worked alongside men. My sister and I learnt to do everything my brother did, shooting a gun, riding motorbikes, driving tractors, riding horses; our gender never became a reason for us, not to do anything. I wasn’t a ‘tom boy’, I was a farm girl, just a normal, capable girl. I thought in my life, my gender would never be an obstacle and I could do anything. Consequently, I have 2 university degrees, a career, a house, a husband and a beautiful son. I am grateful for all of my opportunities, women in the past, were denied. Recently I have entered into debates with men and women about what women can and cannot do. One was around women playing AFL, another about women’s roles as inventors. Most comments are too infuriating for me to repeat but that’s not the point, anyway, the point is, that I am still amazed that I am having these debates. As I fought and I argued, in my mind I was screaming in anger, thinking, Why the fuck am I even having this argument? Why do people still see women’s biological difference as a justification for discrimination and injustice?

            I have had to accept, not condone, some injustice and ignorance in this world and I know I cannot change some people’s opinions. I am grateful for the debate. I think we need to have dialogue around these issues to move forward. I write this still with anger, transformed into passion, a deep desire for equality that I direct towards hope for the future. My hope, is that I can influence the heart and mind of my son, we are raising, who will one day, live in a world devoid of injustice, gender inequality, stereotypes and outdates roles. I hope he helps to create a coconut island.  

 

-Farrah B.