‘Wrap her up in a package of lies
Send her off to a coconut island
Snap her up in a butterfly net
Pin her down on a photograph album’
-Counting Crows, Anna Begins.
Growing
up, this is something I never thought I would need to write about, certainly
not from first-hand experience. My son is nearly 2 years old and I have never
understood the battle for equality, like I have, since becoming a mother.
Reading Constance Hall’s post last night on Instagram, where she begins with,
‘The first time you have a baby you’ll notice a few injustices’ reaffirmed my
feelings and thoughts. She goes on to write, ‘unless you’re the exception and
in an extremely progressive relationship, your gonna get angry’. She goes on to
explain the injustice, the frustration and the anger; in my case, deep
resentment of negotiating the roles of parenting. In her poignant, concise
and kick you in the guts way, she explains, that
women are the primary carers for children, that bare the mental load, that need
to direct their partners to help them, which is as much work as doing it
themselves. We ‘book in’ breaks. If a man looks after their child, he is seen
as a fucking hero, but when a woman does the majority of this, it is simply seen
as her duty. Now this may sound extreme, like an unfair attack on men, well it
is not, because this is the reality of gender stereotypes, of thousands of
years of patriarchy embedded in the consciousness of our society. Growing up, I
did not know the battle I would need to face. When you are a mother for the
first time, with a screaming new born baby, exhausted, sleep deprived and your
partner, the equal parent, the other person who equally created your baby, who
is equally responsible and leaves you at home alone, to go to the pub, or
sleeps in or doesn’t do anything without a written invitation, you feel the
full force of injustice. The full force of gender stereotypes. The full force
of inequality. You don’t hate him for being a man, you hate that the reason he
does less and you do more is simply because he plays an outdated role of a man
and you are forced to play an outdate role of a woman. You are upset and you
are fucking angry.
Constance
Hall is not the only one to be shedding light on the issues surrounding the
roles of men and women in raising children. I recently read Dr Oscar
Serrallach’s new book, The Postnatal
Depletion Cure and this confirms that women and men are suffering from the
outdated roles we are trying to play. Many relationships do not survive the
first year of being new parents. He dedicates the book to ‘all the mothers who
have suffered and struggled in their selfless roles as caregivers, often
without the unconditional support and wisdom from their culture, societies, and
families that should have been their birthright.’ There was so much in this
book that I related to and I highly recommend it. I have been searching for a
book like this for so long. It reiterated to me that I am not alone in my
struggle as a mother and that I simply deserve better, we all deserve better.
Now as a mother who works full time, I have the battle of juggling competing
factors in my life. I’m writing this at 4.30 in the morning, while my husband
and son sleep, before I have to get ready for work and get my son ready for day
care. Before I have to dress him, pack his lunch, pack his bag, make sure he
has nappies, wipes, change of clothes, socks on, put him in the car, do the
dishes, pack my lunch, make sure I have my computer, keys, wallet, brush my
teeth, put on make-up, make sure the heater’s off , the door’s locked, drop him
at day care, all before my day of paid work begins.
When I was in high school I created a print, I
called it Coconut Island; it featured black and white, silhouetted symmetric heads
of a male and female, side by side, with a butterfly in the centre; a symbol of
freedom and equality. It was about the fallacy of gender equality and that it only
exists in this magical place, called coconut island. This artwork has recently plagued
my thoughts, as I never really knew how I would need to fight and struggle for
my equality in a time, when I thought, we had won many of these battles. I grew
up being a lover of feminism and of Germaine Greer, being introduced to these
ideas at home and then reinforced at school. I grew up on a farm, where women
worked alongside men. My sister and I learnt to do everything my brother did,
shooting a gun, riding motorbikes, driving tractors, riding horses; our gender
never became a reason for us, not to do anything. I wasn’t a ‘tom boy’, I was a
farm girl, just a normal, capable girl. I thought in my life, my gender would
never be an obstacle and I could do anything. Consequently, I have 2 university
degrees, a career, a house, a husband and a beautiful son. I am grateful for
all of my opportunities, women in the past, were denied. Recently I have
entered into debates with men and women about what women can and cannot do. One
was around women playing AFL, another about women’s roles as inventors. Most comments
are too infuriating for me to repeat but that’s not the point, anyway, the
point is, that I am still amazed that I am having these debates. As I fought
and I argued, in my mind I was screaming in anger, thinking, Why the fuck am I even having this argument?
Why do people still see women’s biological difference as a justification for
discrimination and injustice?
I have had to accept, not
condone, some injustice and ignorance in this world and I know I cannot change
some people’s opinions. I am grateful for the debate. I think we need to have
dialogue around these issues to move forward. I write this still with anger,
transformed into passion, a deep desire for equality that I direct towards hope
for the future. My hope, is that I can influence the heart and mind of my son, we
are raising, who will one day, live in a world devoid of injustice, gender
inequality, stereotypes and outdates roles. I hope he helps to create a coconut
island.
-Farrah B.
